Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Lorelei Gumm

Top 10 Judy Quotes

This entry will probably change many times, as we think all of Judy's quotes are magnificent.

10: "Soldier!! My heel!!

9: Judy: I don't think I like you!!
Mickey: Thank you.
Judy: You're welcome!!

8: "H."

7:""And now...the man who makes movies about people who make MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVIES!!!"

6: "Come on Mike--Dan, come on Mikedan."

5: "Hi, band."

4: "...and I haven't learned a new song since the....ORIGINAL VIKINGS...are..de...I don't know...just CAVALCADE..."

3: "Where's the CIRCUS??"


1: "Nobbybeddy. Adeebadeebadeebadoo."

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Book of Mayer Bible Verse 4

Our official biblical correspondent, Kayla, has provided us with another bible verse from the Book of Mayer for this blessed blog.

Ava Gardner cried out to the Lord, "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Mickey Rooney, I am granted no shade!"


June 27, 1969

Hi chickadees. As you may know, yesterday was the 40th anniversary of Judy's funeral. It was a monumental day in Judy's life, even in death, as she had one of her biggest audiences ever--22,000 fans came out to see her. We couldn't post yesterday because it was such a hectic day for both of us, but our tradition on significant Judy days is to post a massive picture and video spam. So here it goes.

This video is another one that Emily and I are obsessed with.

This is the song that was sung at Judy's funeral. I was inclined to end this post with this video, but I decided to end it with something else I'll explain it at the end of the post.

The reason I decided to end this post with this video instead of Battle Hymn of the Republic is that Judy did not want to be remembered as a tragic figure. She had a wonderful, glorious sense of humor, and by all accounts, that was the essence of Judy, not the tragedies that befell her. I believe that this video showcases that sense of humor marvelously. This is the way to remember Judy.

Thank you, Judy! We love you!!


Saturday, June 27, 2009

Adventures with Celebrities, Installment 1

Emily and I are in love with our lives, in part because we seem to have a knack for celebrity encounters. We both have met a good number of incredible people, and I thought that it would be fun to share the stories with you here. Here is my first installment. Key of B-flat. Here we go!!!

March 2009

Another thing that Emily and I have in common is that we ADORE celebrity impersonation, and one of our easiest targets has always been the great Carol Channing. I mean really:

We have long thought that she is the most accidentally hilarious thing EVER. So you can imagine my excitement when last September, the performance museum at which I volunteer decided to put together an exhibit devoted to the life and work of Carol Channing. Carol is a San Francisco native, partly why the museum decided to honor her with an exhibition, and she now lives in a smaller town in the Central Valley, about an hour and a half away. When informed about the exhibit, Carol was delighted and decided to come up to San Francisco for its opening, attend the opening gala of the exhibit, and give a concert at Herbst Theatre.

Everyone was abuzz about Carol coming. She made the front page of the Datebook, the entertainment section of the San Francisco Chronicle, and tickets for her concert at the Herbst Theatre sold out completely. It was definitely a special thing for such a huge star to make a return to honor her hometown, as it was honoring her.

I was scheduled to volunteer at the opening gala on September 26, 2008. I had my outfit all picked out, and was going over what the HELL I was going to say to Ms. Channing when, the day before the gala, I got an email from Tony, the fabulous volunteer coordinator at the museum (with whom I also went to high school). The email read something along the lines of this:

Dear Volunteers,
Tomorrow's gala has been cancelled. Carol has fallen at her Modesto home and has broken her hip. We are trying to figure out what to do with the concert tickets. Thank you so much for your volunteerism for this event.

Well, of course I was shocked. No one thought this was going to happen--Carol had never missed a concert in 70-odd years!! But of course, if she has broken her hip, it was more important for her to get better. So I contented myself with writing her a get-well note, and sent it to her fan mail address.

Fast forward to March, the day before the closing of the exhibit. I volunteered at a museum event, after which Tony called me over. I asked him what was up, and he whispered, "It's possible that SHE might be here tomorrow, for the exhibit's closing." Being the smart thing that I am, I asked "WHO??" He pointed to the Carol poster prominently displayed on the wall. I felt stupid. "Oh..REALLY???" I said. He nodded, and replied, "She's expected to be here around 1, so get here just a little bit after that, because there will be traffic." So I, excited as all hell, went home to prepare for my Carol Channing encounter.

The next day, I went out to do some errands in Oakland (it was the birthday party of the twins I babysit, so I had to go get them a present before I went to the museum). I got a call from Tony around 1, saying "Rumor has it that she's on her way. You should start leaving now." So I put the twins' present under my arm and got right on BART to the museum.

I arrived about 20 minutes later in a pant, and asked Tony "Is she here??" Tony said "Yes, she's here, but be discreet." He noticed the present under my arm and asked incredulously "Did you get her a PRESENT?????" I said "NO, NO, this is for something else." "Oh, ok," he replied. "Because that's definitely not discreet."

I put my bag and the twins' present in the back room, and wandered into the main gallery. There she was, in her signature red jacket and black pants. She was smaller than I imagined her, but she's also 87 years old. One could never, ever tell that she had broken her hip just a few months before. She was walking unassisted, without any real noticeable limp. The museum curator was showing her around the exhibit, and she was saying in her distinct voice things like "Ohhh yes, I remember that..."

I managed to work my way up to them discreetly, and began asking Carol questions about various things in the exhibit. She was SOOOOO nice (I said this to Tony afterward, and Tony, still bitter about the September incident, said "She's probably on painkillers"), and really does have a lovely smile. What really got me though was her EYES. It sounds hilarious to say, but she has some really, really intense eyes. She looks RIGHT AT YOU. I walked with her and the curator for a while, and then she started signing autographs. I told her my name (I had to tell her about 10 times, she's hard of hearing now), and told her how wonderful it was to be part of this exhibition on her life. I don't think she heard the last part, but gave me a wonderful smile and signed my museum booklet. I told her "thank you," in kind of a sheepish little voice (what happens when I get nervous or starstruck) and she looked right at me again with those eyes of hers and, I think unconsciously, imitated MY EXACT TONE when she said "You're welcome!" Now I can say I have been imitated by Carol Channing. Fun.

We make so much fun of her, because she is a completely nuts performer, and you will probably see some of our Carol Channing antics here. But as a person, she is really, really wonderful.

"Money, you should pardon the expression, is like manure, it's not worth a thing unless it's spread around."

This video sums up who we at Screen Mavens are and what we stand for.



So, Liza Minnelli was on Larry King Live tonight, because of this whole Michael Jackson fiasco. She did not look happy. Not only was she talked over/ignored almost the entire time, but it was roughly 3am when she was being interviewed. She was miffed by the negativity in his report, and when he was wishing her a goodnight, he cut her off. Mid-response. This was unacceptable.

What do people do when unacceptable things occur? That's right friends: Twitter goes NUTS.

Here, I will include my favorite tweets related to the subject, and some... not so related to the subject, but no less share-worthy.

Liza Minnelli and Usher are doing an interview from paris on michael jackson on larry king live. Sign of the end of the world? Possibly

Ugh I'm pissed. I hate Larry King. I love Liza Minnelli. Larry was disrespectful to Liza when she was on his show!! SHOW SOME RESPECT LARRY!

Liza Minnelli is tired of the negativity with Michael Jackson life. Glad she's standing up to the media!!!!

Larry King DID NOT just cut Liza Minnelli off!!! OH NO HE DIDN'T!!

Dear Larry King, Don't have anyone on your show (Liza Minnelli) if your not going to speak to them. Liza didn't wake up just to sit there!!

Liza Minnelli and Usher together on my screen in Paris!! That is the most EPIC thing ever!!

My mom would f*ck Liza Minnelli

I can't wait till I get old and can try to make my face look like Liza Minnelli's.

Liza Minnelli seems like the kind of person you'd want to spend a day with.

LIZA LIZA LIZA MINNELLI! My hero. Thank you, MJ. Because of your death, Cher and Liza have returned :) bless you two.

I don't want to live in a world where Liza Minnelli leaves Larry King Live and Deepak Chopra is still on.

Watching Liza Minnelli on Larry King Live. She's the kind of gal I'd like to have a drink with.

Liza Minnelli is pissed.

Wow, thats a pretty star studded lineup on larry king live. PS.Liza Minnelli looks gr8.

Liza Minnelli on CNN . I Like Liza Minnelli , Bless her :o)

I love hearing Liza Minnelli talk about how brilliant Michael's "spacewalk" dance was...

I do hope that Larry will realize that he conducted everything in a poor manner, but I'm afraid that's too much to ask.



Well, chickens, it seems as though the delightful, delicious, ...de-something Kayla has presented us with not one, but TWO more bible verses from The Book of Mayer. I present them to you with great pride. Onward.

Lo, came the success of The Thin Man, and the Lord turned to Gabriel, remarking, "I always thought Myrna Loy was Asian." Alas, the clock had turned, and even the Lord could not stop the girl from Montana from being All American.

So came the wedding night of Judy Garland and Vincente Minnelli, and the Lord said to St. Peter, "Really? Did I write that?"

St. Peter said to the Lord, "Yeah, the eyeshadow had me fooled."


"Well maybe Rose won't have to go to college! I mea..things are happening!"

It's official: Michael Jackson has invaded the universe, Captain EO style. At the moment, Liza (as I am told by Emily, since I don't yet have cable television in my apartment) is on Larry King Live talking about MJ at 6:00 in the morning, Paris time. Whenever Liza gets up before late afternoon, something's up. Elizabeth Taylor's Twitter (which we both follow, because we're awesome like that) is usually sparse and she makes no more than a few tweets per week. Today, it is overrun with 7 declarations of love for Mistah Jackson, and my mother is doing her usual "He had kind of a tragic life" thing that she always does when important celebrities die.

Poor Farrah Fawcett. Even in death she couldn't get a break.

To keep the rain off our parade here at Screen Mavens (and believe me, here at Screen Mavens there's always a parade), a distraction is in order. That distraction comes in the form of a one Miss Tallulah Bankhead, who easily could have taken over the universe herself with her codeine and bourbon, not to mention her fabulosity and smoking too much. We want to be her.

Enjoy, you lovely things you, this episode of The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour, which Emily and I can recite backwards and forwards.

Night, dolls.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Case In Point.

We think this video is the most hilarious thing SNL has done in years.

"Only on TNT."

Goodnight, Charlie.

Many of our inside jokes revolve around Penny Marshall. You will learn this.

A Dead Person.

Now, here at Screen Mavens, we really don't know much of anything current, let alone anything that occurred in the last half of the 20th century. That being said, I think you will notice that there is a common theme in these photographs. Without this common theme, I assure you, a post on this topic would not have been made. And we mean that with all the respect and dignity that we possess.

By this point, the novelty of this get-together had worn off.

We respect the careers of Michael Jackson, Dame Elizabeth, and OF COURSE Liza Minnelli. But we certainly CANNOT respect this photograph, or anything that it embodies.

We were thinking that that video could justifiably sum up the entire tribute. But we couldn't help ourselves with those other photos. They're too brilliant. Except...you know...Turtle Man Gest.

Look who can do a forward Moonwalk, ya'll! [2:34]


I just got a message from Emily saying that a bible verse from the Book of Mayer has been sent to us by a glorious follower of ours (and incidentally, one of our favorite humans in existence), Kayla. We jointly decided that it should be posted here in all its glory.

And yea, the Lord sayeth to Ann Miller, "Find it within yourself to build an ark, to house all the beings in my kingdom." Ann, without materials to build, prayed for nights and nights, until the Lord blessed her with a way. "Aqua Net, Ann. Go forth and spray. Thine wigs shall be the shelter for the righteous."

I hope all you lovelies have marvelous Ann Miller-filled dreams.

Thursday, June 25, 2009


Ok, I have to post one more thing. It's kind of a follow-up to the TV show intros we dealt with in the last post. This video you are about to see is something completely ridiculous that we have been obsessed with for quite some time now. Enjoy.

"Isadora was the first bra burner..."

We're obsessed with classic television. We get especially entertained by the intros, which are invariably hilarious and 70s. Thusly, we decided, at 1:30 in the morning (4:30 in the morning for Emily--yes, we're insomniacs), to compile clips of our favorite intros to share on our blog. So here we are, staying awake at ungodly hours solely to bring to you the brilliance of classic television, uncut and commercial free. Dedication? I think so. Watch and love, darlings.

Fun Fact #1: I must add here that I, Lara, spent my childhood trying to replicate the nose wiggle. I also couldn't fathom why everyone kept referring to it as a nose trick, because if you watch Elizabeth Montgomery do it, it's really her upper lip that wiggles, not her nose. What can I say, I was a perceptive (and...strange) child.

Fun Fact #2: The opening shot is actually from Babes On Broadway (1941, Judy Garland & Mickey Rooney), right before the title song is sang at the end of the film. A COLLISION OF WORLDS.
Fun Fact #3: This song is Emily's ringtone and alarm.
Fun Fact #4: Much of this video is shot en route to Lara's former workplace, about 10 minutes from her house.

Fun Fact #5: This is Emily's favorite show in the history of... shows.

"Suren da a Judy Garland gold fadden een fiasco. Set nan shushay."

Hello, lovelies. Reading Lara's Carnegie Hall post forced me to want to listen to the Copenhagen concert (which makes no sense), and I decided that I simply MUST share this JudySpeak with you.

Now, the Copenhagen concert is something that not many people have their hands on, as it has never been formally released, which is a true shame. This particular performance was done on March 25, 1969 in Copenhagen, Denmark, and she is in amazing vocal form. I shall include an excerpt from a review of this concert:

"Her microphone technique is dazzling her mode of delivery strong and glowing; her personal charm incontrovertible (indisputable). She was dressed in a simple fireweed but not gaudy pants suit without a grandiose (elaborate) hairdo; she was just herself - without anything not belonging to her type. She flung her hit songs into the microphone in a way that produced dramatic and brilliant effects, or she chatted quietly and intimately, apparently conscious (aware), a little awkwardly, uncertain, but at the same time witty, warm and winning all hearts."

So basically, this concert was amazing. Lara just instant messaged me, asking me why she ALWAYS cries at the end of the concert, and I had to ask that as well, as I had just been tearing up. Oh, us Garland fans. Onto the JudySpeak...

'xcuse me... keep applauding for a se-EHHHHEGHHHM... ugn. I didn't mean that personally against eh... the... string section. You're dahling, you sweet-you're playing... beautifully. Hi, band. Well I guess so. We really are goi-it's quite TRAUMATIC for me, now, because I AM going to sing a new song, and I haven't LEARNED a new song since......well......embebhebhbORGINAL Vikings ordurhb or or Idon'tknow, eehe just CAVALCADE, I think the-wha, do you REALLY want to do this? I do.

That was a thatehehthat was a good tempo, but I don'treallyknow-what darling? ...Where are you? Eh, what love? Ughhhrh, I don't-you know I don't-you know I-I, I have enough trouble with my ENGLISH, letalone...an... edoughI'm I'm just... I love you very much, that's all...did he say ehhh something nice or...? What does that mean? Well ehstop PHOTOGRAPHING and translate! Down here. What darling? Eheheh, I'll say! Right! Is that a new song? ANYWAY. Thank you. …..........What darling? ….........OHHHH, SAY!!! I sort of recognize that..language. I love you too. I love you ALL. You know that. ….........................so nice. What, darling? MMMM? I'lls-ehMickey? Oheh. Oooorrrh, who is it? Is that Cockn'y? Well, we're going to sing another song that I love. Ehhhright? You'll like it. I promise you. It's a nice song. I dedicate this to my husband. Whom I'm MAAADLY inlovewith.

Uhuhuh. That's a nice..eh... tempo for Over The Rainbow. The way you applaud. ErrrwwsiI think we should stay.in Copenhagen with this same AUDIENCE...for the next NINE years. You are a...you are adelight. Now, what is it dear. Why don't we ask the audience if they... well... alriiiight. Alright. Right. Mm...now which si-nnhmmChicago... or San Francisco? ….SWANEEEE?! Well ehh we always get through Over The Rainbow, you know we have to do that, but that's the end of the act. What dear? Well, we'll sing them all. I'd like to! Why don't we? You have to sing HALF of themthough. Let's try... uh.. DETROIT. No. Why don't we try why don't we try Copenhagen? Alright, let's do Chi-yes. EHHHHEGGHHHM UHHHMUM. My DEAR.

I MUST sit down. Really. With these FEATHERS and HIGH HEELS. Well, it would look splendid. Shall we...HIT... the..song? And this is to you. Because I'm dedicated to you. Thank you for coming.

I feel as though I must say this, for anyone who simply wanders onto this blog. Lara & I mean NO disrespect whatsoever with our JudySpeak posts. In fact, we pretty much speak in this exact same manner. So... there... I said it.

P.S. This is Lara barging in to put her 2 cents in. We DEFINITELY DO talk like this. All the time. Also, we consider transcribing Judyspeak to be honoring Judy. Not only do we mean no disrespect, we mean admiration and love. Emily and I are extraordinarily devoted fans, and anything we say or do here is out of sheer affection.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

"I'll sing 'em all and I'll stay all night!"

Fun game--listen to the Judy at Carnegie Hall album and read along. This is a transliteration of Judy's first set of dialogue, as she speaks it. Emily and I do these things from memory. Because we're THAT Judy-crazed. So sit back and enjoy the fruit of our insanity.

.........thank you.....EHEMMM....I eh.....AIGHEM!!!! I'MMMMsoEXCITED my....gooness...AHEM!! I..just..got..back..wellnotactuallyjustgotbackIgotbackabout...3 MONTHS AGEAU...fromm..EUROPE...and I did a..a TOUR..onthe..CONTINENT. And I worked in PARIS and I'd never..I'd never worked in...inparisbefore...and I had a FRIEND...in Paris a woman who is...so CHIIIIIC...she's just so....CHIIIIIIC that you can't...STANNNNNNNIT. EH, she's a DAAAAARLING, MAAAARVELOUS woman, she's...sochicanyway...she..........she said you MUST go to my hairdresser...uh...because obviously you need somebody so she ARRAN....heh...AHEM!!..She arranged for me to go to this MAAAAHVELOUS....mmPARISIAN, fellow, who...who is just supposed to be the ENNNND, you know...and I came inn..and took one look at me and ehhh was ahahaigh....QUITE discouraged and he said "now...the first thing we must do...is you must look NOTHING. NOTHING. like...Judy Gah..NOTHING like yourself. And I said welldon'tyouthink...uh..I should look a LITTLE..eh.......NOOOOO, he said, NOOOOO that'd be...DISASTROUS, we'll CHANGEYOUCOMPLETELY. So the night of the...performance, he came back...uhhh..STAGE, and he had about NINNNE ASSISTANTS, you know...and uh..he clippeduhandmy HAIR...uh...it just got TALLER. And TAWLLAH. And...REALLY, it was about to HEERE!! You know...and ehhGREAT..BIG..THINGS..OUT..HERE. You know..SPIT CURLS. We used to call them in my day. I think they have...NEW..NEW..NAME foritnow...AND I looked VERRRY SS-SSTRANGE, I looked like an OVER...WEIGHT...Valenciaga..MODEL orsomething..and I CAME OUT..uhh..for the CONCERT that night I walked out...BALANCING my HAIR..eh...EHHEHH!! And..w-w-when I WORK I get very WAAAAARM, as you..can see I REALLY..uh get SO HOT. And I started..to SING.. and I started to get WARM. And my HAIR started to FALL. And it got lower and lowandREALLY it was just...NEAAAAANDERTHAL with all of the...the...uh..LACQUER runningdownhere the SPITCURLit was terrible.

Stay tuned for more of these. We're obsessed with Judyspeak.

Oh yeah, and P.S., Judy liked to feel people up. Check out this situation with Lorna. Awkward.

"Introduction, please. Key a b-flat. Here we go!"

My name is Emily [insert Edith Bunker's cling peaches 'mmhmmmm' here]. I was born in Wilmington, Delaware in August, 1989. I’ve always felt responsible for the death of Lucille Ball (she peaced out four months and one day before I was born - there was only room for one psychotic, August-born redhead, I suppose). The first thing I remember liking that liked me back was Dorothy Gale. I had a horrifying puberty: it started when I was 9. I’m a high school graduate; I go to community college. My entrance exam was me going into a “hot... airless little room...” and having them tell me my SAT scores were high enough to do whatever the hell I felt like. I decided to stay in my house because I'm poor. My mother still tells me I should have gone to a University so I could move out. Eventually, I'll move somewhere else, where it's not so HUMID. But for now, I'm stuck in Wilmington. Delaware, this is your last chance!

My name is Lara. I was born in Oakland, California in September, 1985. I've always felt responsible for the death of Bea Arthur (I was saying just a few days before she died that she would live forever). The first thing I remember liking that liked me back was Judy's hair in Meet Me In St. Louis. I had a bad puberty. It started when I was way too young and is still giving me agony. I'm a high school graduate. I went to a small liberal arts school. My entrance exam was in Spanish (but I ended up taking French instead, because evidently I'm Liza Minnelli). I decided to move out of the house when I was 23. My mother (who, incidentally, is Ida Morgenstern) still refers to this as the best moment in both our lives, but still calls me 5 times a day. Eventually, I ran to San Francisco. Where it's gay. And I figured I'd get along better. Now I'm still here. San Francisco, like your streets, you line my heart with rainbow flags!

I hope that you find that our blog will be at least a little interesting. Believe me, we'll be getting one hell of a kick out of it!

More Judy

Some unaired clips from The Judy Garland Show. Enjoy.

Screen Mavens Post #1

All right chickens, here we are, making a blog. This is cool. I guess we should start by telling you who we are. I am Lara, and my friend is Emily. First and foremost, we are obsessed with the great, the awesome, the phenomenal, the hilarious and nonsensical Judy Garland. Beyond obsessed. Like...it's kind of ridiculous. We're going to the Judy Garland Festival next year in Grand Rapids, MN, so watch your back. I've been 3 times, but haven't been in 8 years. This is Emily's indoctrination to Festness.

In our years of correspondence, we have developed monstrous inside jokes that have evolved into repetitive nonsensical ramblings. We are eccentric. Some examples:

-We are obsessed with the letters of the alphabet, particularly the letter S.
-We have created many acronyms to communicate oft-talked about ideas, such as BBB, DLAWBB, DLBPB, and DLRPHTSIYR, all of which you will be introduced to at a later date.
-We repeat phrases over and over again, each time being endlessly, inexplicably entertained.
-We like CAPS.
-We know WAAAAAAAAY too much about Judy. So much so, that we've lost touch with reality and don't know what other people know and don't know. We're...socially special.
-We don't know why it is, but we become obsessed with the same people without knowing that the other is obsessed. Some examples include Meryl Streep, Patsy Cline, and the Beales (of Grey Gardens). Obviously, we're the same person.

So that's basically us. Who knows where this site may lead. Knowing us, we'll get perpetually distracted and go from topic to topic to topic. Stream of consciousness. Speaking of which, I leave you with a fantastically hilarious video before I go for coffee. Esca-lator.